Well well, had been so long since i last blog yeh? okie, i still gonna keep it short... somehow time is running out. Some guys blog when they are sad, some guys blog when they are happy, some guys blog whenever they feel like blogging... which category are u in? Do your blog more when u r happy or sad? Make a choice, slam it, stay with it or change with it.
For Lump Forever
If you are going to read this, don't bother. After a couple of minutes, you won't want to be here. So forget it. Go away. Get out while you are still in one piece. Save yourself. There has to be something better in television. Or since you have so much time on your hands, maybe you could take a night course. Become a doctor. you could make something out of yourself. Treat yourself to a dinner out. Colour your hair. You are not getting any younger. What happens here is first going to piss you off. After that it just gets worse and worse.What you are getting here is a stupid story about a stupid little boy. A stupid true life story about nobody you ever want to meet. This is a about a stupid little weasel who, for sure, used to be about the stupidest little rat fink crybaby twerp that ever lived. The little cooz...
The Self-Renewing Spirit
Our physical bodies may age or become scarred, but our spirits have limitless potential. Because they do not belong to the material realm, they are insulated against its exhausting effects. The spirit however can be a fragile thing. Because it is nurtured by thought, our minds can lift it up in fearless flight or chain it down like a frightened animal. Sometimes our spirits are battered not by choice, but by some unexpected tragedy which causes our minds to falter. During these times, our spirits may become gaunt and directionless, making them vulnerable to the designs of dark elements. But the spirit is wonderfully self-renewing, if your mind gives it the chance. Diana Sage likens it to the tireless changing of the seasons. She writes: Nurtured and supported by nature's laws, the Earth is renewed year after year as it thaws from winter's siege. Drabness is transformed into patches of color -- a magnificent effect of natural cause. In the orderly flow of life's seasons, appearances continually change. If the earth, in all its imposing dignity, changes and renews itself over and over, then why not apply this principle to myself? No matter how long my life has appears to be barren, with nature as my teacher, I learn that I too can be made like new! Remembering that I am always nurtured and supported, I will try again, I will risk again, I will love again. As the quiet beauty of spring shouts its joyful arrival, I, like the Earth, am gently nourished, changed, and renewed over and over.
Loving Yourself There is no such thing as someone who is better than you. The idea that the "best" person can be chosen in any given group is absurd.What kind of yardstick will you use? Who chooses that yardstick? Would that standard still be the standard in another time, society, culture, and place? The concept that someone can be better than you in a general sense was designed to give those in control more power and authority over you. But don't you believe it. Here's an affirmation for learning to love and accept yourself.
I love myself the way I am, there's nothing I need to change. I'll always be the perfect me, there's nothing to rearrange. I'm beautiful and capable, of being the best me I can. And I love myself, just the way I am. I love you the way you are, there's nothing you need to do. When I feel the love inside, it's easy to love you. Behind your fears, your rage and tears, I see your shining star. And I love you, just the way your are. I love the world the way it is, cause I can clearly see. That all the things I judge are done, by people just like me. So 'til the birth of peace on earth, that only love can bring.I'll help it grow, by loving everything. I love myself the way I am, and I still want to grow. But change outside can only come, when deep inside I know. I'm beautiful and capable, of being the best me I can. And I love myself, just the way I am.
Loving yourself - accepting your flaws and acknowledging your strengths - is vital to happiness and success in this life. You will also find that people who can love and accept themselves also love and accept others more readily. It is those who are insecure about themselves that constantly seek to belittle and disparage others in order to feel better about themselves. Similarly, these people will find it difficult to love someone else because they are always in contempt of any kind of imperfection, especially their own.
pissed off, why? coz the internet connection went down the whole morning till 5pm, yes its 5pm. The guys outside were doing some maintainence shit, and they juz had to do it today. TODAY, yes today, i be leaving sin. FLIGHT at 0230 am, Changi Airport.
Reporter: where? Nicholas: to brunei for training. Reporter: till when? Nicholas: 16th of may, 0730 at Changi Airport... SQ8991 Reporter: oh, we gonna miss ya... Nicholas: okie watever.
i have some things left unsettled, i should able to have an answer back when i return. do i? hope so... u have nothing to tell me? really nothing at all? juz a 2 word "Oh okie" wasnt enough actually. or i am greedy, asking too much, thinking too much. *knocks* confused? me too. its better to start or not to start? or regret starting or regret not starting? or better to keep in our hearts forever, like u said for 50 years.
will it be a shared love, i dun wanna been thru that again. make a decision, i am stuck, why? coz nicholas u r twisted. damn.
i talked to u juz now, u sound abit cold, abit not interested, abit pissed off. i could only reply with sorry, sorry and sorry. Am i too sensitive? or am i not. hope all these wont spoil our dear friendship...
to ur qns: - "If that is so, i will be hiding since i asked u that qn last year, after your hurting reply."I didn't know I hurt someone, even though I'd tried my best to be as tactful as possible. I feel bad about it, but if he was unsure then, they why would my reply be hurting? - i was so god damn sure and clear of wat i wan and thats y i asked u that qn last yr. to cut short, i was sure.
- "True enough i do have feelings for you but it was what u had said, unsure."'I do have'? Or 'I had'? Until now? Yes? No? Proper tense is very important! - i said i do have, which is now, yes now.
- "Clear and state your intention when you are thinking right."Thinking right? Am I not in the right state of mind now? Is he saying I'm mad? When I'm thinking right. So he thinks I'm wrong about all these now. - okie i guess i shld rephrase, when you are thinking clear. clear of what u wan... clear of who appears in ur heart now, clear of who are u thinking now... shawn? jeffy? or nicholas?
- "Last of all, i not a hunk, nor do i have the looks u are craving for. So u could not have fall in love with me."Yes, I know. I thought I stated in my previous entry this: "I guess I have to put down all my selfish reasons and stop being a kid when it comes to affairs of the heart...? 'Cos they say only kids go for looks." That part must have slipped off somewhere while he was reading. And he actually stated it for me whether I should like him or not. !!!! AND I thought he made me sound like some despo... Craving for looks. =S -no that is not wat i meant definately. u shld noe right? Craving is a strong word, how about Looking. i felt inferior, i do not have any be it for a hunk or for looks, and to me I think I am out. And this "So u could not have fallen in love with me" and not what u said "So u should not have fall in love with me".
u shld know wat am i talking abt if u r the one reading it now.
i probably still beside the com. i probably leaving home. i probably at the airport. i probably juz received the boarding pass. i probably going to check in. i probably proceeding to the holding room. i probably on the mic. i probably calling them in packet by packet. i probably went up the plane. i probably in the plane, seated. Flew off. Flew. With wings this time.
i miss u. i really do... but its too late, or issit not? take care, take good care of yourself. pls
yours sincerely, happy birthday nicholas, to me, 290405
Message: Daniel and Jasmine are sitting alone in the park, one night.
Daniel:I guess we are the left overs in this world Jasmine:I think so, all of my friends have boyfriends and we are the only 2 persons left in this world without any special person in ourlife
Daniel:Yup I don't know what to do Jasmine:I know! We'll play a game
Daniel:What game? Jasmine:i'll be your girlfriend for 30 days andyou will be my boyfriend
Daniel:That's a great plan in fact i don't have nothing to do much this following week...
DAY 1:They watch their first movie and they were both touched by a romantic film
DAY 4:They went to the beach and had a picnic...Daniel and Jasmine have their quality time together
DAY 12:Daniel invited Jasmine to a circus and they ride on a Horror House ride. Jasmine was scared and she thought she touched Daniel's hand but she touched someone else's hand instead and they both laughed.
DAY 15:They saw a fortune teller down the road andthey asked for their future advice and thefortune teller said: "My darlings, Please don't wastethe time of your life...Spend the rest of your time together happily" Then tears flow out from the teller's eyes
DAY 20:Jasmine invited Daniel to go to the hill and they saw a meteor...Jasmine mumbled something
DAY 28:They sat on the bus and because of a bumbyroad Jasmine gave her first kiss to Daniel by accident
DAY 29:11:37pm Jasmine and Daniel sat in the park wheretheyfirst decided to play this game... Daniel:I'm tired Jasmine...Do you want anything to drink? I'll buy you one.. I'll just go down the road Jasmine:Apple Juice that's all Daniel:Wait for me.20mins later; a stranger approached Jasmine
Stranger:Are you a friend of Daniel? Jasmine:Why yes? What happened? Stranger:A reckless drunken driver ran over daniel and he is critical in the hospital
11:57pm The doctor came out of the emergency roomand he handed out an apple juice and a letter Doctor:We found this in daniel's pocket
Jasmine reads the letter and it says: Jasmine, This past few days, i realized youarea really cute girl and i am really falling foryou..Your cherished smile your everything when we played this game; before this game would end. Iwouldlike you to be my girlfriend for the rest of mylife. I love you Jasmine.Jasmine crumples the paper and shouted:"Daniel ! i don't want you to die. I loveyou, Remember that night when we saw a meteor, I mumbled something; I mumbled that I wish we would be together forever and never end this game. Please don't leave me Daniel. I love you! You cannot do this to me"Then the clock strikes 12 Daniel's heart stopped pumping. THEN IT WAS THE 30TH DAY
**love your loved ones and show them how you feel before it is too late...You will never know when they will be gone from your embrace...Ifyou were given a time to bestow petals of everlasting compassion and love to your loved ones? Today is the day, love them while they are still here.
was quite busy recently so jus bare wif me if i nv update... happy new yr again, cheers...
what is love??? here's the real answer.. For all you people who say, "I love you" whenyou have no clue what love is exactly!!! Something to ponder upon...
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racingandis your voice caught within your chest?? -Itisn't love, it's LIKE. You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her/him -It isn't love, it's LUST. Are you proud, and eager to show her/him off?? -It isn't love, it's LUCK. Do you want her because you knowshe's/he'sthere?? -It isn't love, it's LONELINESS. Are you with her/him because it's what everyone wants??It isn't love, it?s LOYALTY. Are you with her because she/he kissed you,or held your hand?It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE. Do you stay for her/him confessions of love,becauseyou don't want to hurt her/him?It isn't love, it's PITY. Do you belong to her/him because the sight of her/him makes your heart skip a beat??It isn't love, it's INFATUATION. Do you pardon her faults because you care about her/him?It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP. Do you tell her/him every day she is the only one you think of?It isn't love, it's a LIE. Are you willing to give up all of your favuorite things for her sake?It isn't love, it's CHARITY.
Does your heart ache and break when she's sad? Then it's LOVE. Do you cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong?Then it's LOVE. Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?Then it's LOVE. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her/him?Then it's LOVE. Do you accept her/his faults because it's a part ofwho she/he is?Then it's LOVE. Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret??Then it's LOVE. Would you give her/him your heart, your life,your death??Then it's LOVE.
I like the dreams of the future better than the history ofthepast...Love hurts our feeling, but it's also the reason our soul heal...
erh, this is claire taken in my attachement company, i went back to settle some stuffs and saw her holding that alien like stuff. She told me its cute and i "uh huh" lolx... okie fine i took her pic wif that alien then, haha. The effect was quite good eh...
Most of the people went home already, only left some familiar faces and new faces.
haha, spent some time chatting before i went to have a good chat wif boss...
Dreams In Reality- Nicholas Tan -For dreamers who are in dreams or did not know whether they are dreaming, or just simply they just refused to wake up.
Chapter 1 - Stars
Roaming around the roof top, this is what I sometimes used to do when I am bored rigid, turning in soon or just wondering how much stars are there in the sky. All along I thought the stars out there will spare a thought for my situation now but it just doesn’t give a damn. “Who are you to make them care” , I mumbled. I spent most of the time with them, consumption with them sometimes, looking at them and even opening my mouth to them. Nevertheless, they still provide a listener ear to me when I feel lost, damn lost. It was a night with no stars though; the only light source came from the two street posts positioned left and right of me.
Putting my butt down to the rough ground, this is soon being conquered by algae. I feel insecure, suddenly. Having to sit on a ground which is going to war is like humans taking over countries to gain their recognition, destroying everything they came across just to take over them. Blood, anger, despair, broken hearts, dead bodies, and last laughter from the winners. It’s lame, so what if you take over the world, so what if you win, so what if you win over the world and you lost someone important. “So what!” I yelled in anger. The light which penetrates out from the lamp posts was faint orange, probably dying soon.
I picked myself up from the cursed ground, and note the word I used, “cursed”.
Not all people are asleep yet; guess there will be minority of them which are in the same situation as me, trying to solve the impossible. I have no clue, not yet though. The cuts that she made, the laughter, I feel disgusted now. My head is heavy, I could see angels soaring around me, making a resurrection or something, are they here to rescue me or are they here just to mock at me, mock at my foolishness, my ignorance, and so on. I fell asleep.
Chapter 2 – Footsteps
This path is so proverbial; I could probably walk back and forth with my two black eyes closed. The path that we took everyday before we part, the same old usual route. Vivid stones with dark linen going beside it and few old street posts alongside providing us with the amount of light we need. The green grass territory filled with toads sometimes especially after it rains had turned brown after weeks of rainless day.
It’s me once again creating noise as I strolled down the path. I could feel her footsteps; feel in the sense of it is so near that you could actually touch it. The friction between my slippers and the colorful stones created a sound which made my presence more important. “Stop!” my footsteps are trying to communicate with her footsteps, could you all please shut your damn mouth up. They don’t seem to understand. The buses, vans, cars, bikes, every vehicle I saw are trying to go against my order. “Please!” There came a diminutive girl armed with an ice-cream on her left hand and the other grabbing her mum’s hand. They are walking towards me. 50 meters from me. Dressed in red with a cool cloth slide on one side of her shoulder and a pair of black high heel pointed shoes.
25 meters.
“Stop!”
20 meters.
“Please!”
15 meters.
The ice-cream lands inside her mouth. It was a slow motion. I could catch every frames of her expression, it was melting.
I am burning.
Nobody listens to me. They don’t bother. They just don’t care.
10 meters.
My poor footsteps are trying to exchange a few words, they should be quite disturbed. It was like you were doing assessments alone in your favourite room on your favourite white miniature table, when suddenly you’re mum came banging on the deprived door asking why you never washed your clothes up. And she goes knocking, harder and harder, until you respond. I hate it. Can I have some moment of silence please? This is the first time I use please. Probably the last.
5 meters.
I am still burning. The ice-cream is still melting.
3, 2, 1.
I stare at them, they stared back at me. I don’t owe them. The child’s eyes look happy, happy enough that I could tell. Slipping her hand right into her right pocket, reaching out a tiny piece of tissue, fold it twice and paint it few times on the girl’s mouth. “So sweet”, I thought. Two hands tightly grasped together, just like me and her last time. It was history, her footsteps no longer talked to mine. She has changed. Her footsteps have change too.
History.
Chapter 3 – Keys
A function of key, 1) a notched and grooved, usually metal implement that is turned to open or close a lock, 2) a means of access, control, or possession, 3) a vital, crucial element, 4) a button that is depressed to cause a corresponding character or function to be typed or executed by a typewriter or to be accepted as input by a computer. 5) a tonal system consisting of seven tones in fixed relationship to a tonic, having a characteristic key signature and being the structural foundation of the bulk of Western music; tonality, 6) An outline of the distinguishing characteristics of a group of organisms, used as a guide in taxonomic identification. This can go on and on. Nothing stops. Everything has its own different meanings. Not one, more than one. Same goes to humans. Every human has spilt personality, spilt image, spilt pasts.
The key to my mystery, any clue? Rolling on my greenish king chair where I rested my two hands on the side support of the chair. Rolled. Backward and forward, knocking every building it come contact with. It looks old, too old to roll smoothly. It’s like driving an ancient automobile moving around the city killing every affluent animals you seen, slaughtering them with your horns, showering them with your love, stop and sucking their blood till its dry, bone dry. This is cool, too cool. I hate backstabbers.
The dustbin has gone out of place after I knocked down it unintentionally. It was old; braking it was hard I presume. I bent down and singled up the rubbish back to their home. Squashed papers, sweet wrappers, sticky tissues, electrical bills, drink packet, and the last thing I saw is a key. It does not feel right to me. So it should be hers. A fade silver balloon with “Yale” written on the middle its head with a slight rust at the edges. I picked it up. Holding it with two fingers on the right, turning the key with various angles. No matter which side I turn, it stills appear glistening, perforating my both black eyes. I could not sleep.
Locked in my trendy room, I feel secure. Not those dungeons where you are protected because you committed something seriously wrong or you are
too dangerous, far too dangerous. Three ramparts of rotten bricks, erecting some sorts of foul smells, where you are treated as monsters. Underneath your barefoot was decayed food left few days ago, surrounded by defile stones which are added as ingredients. You have to pick it up. “Eat it” To survive is to gobble them up. This is survival skill where I learned during outfield training. The predicament will be solved.
With the key still tightly detained on my hand, I resolute that I should return to her. I am definite it belongs to her, it must be something significant. A key that unchain her dilemma, a key that alienated both of us, a key which leads to a gateway.
A clue.A new start.
Chapter 4 – Gateway
Silver wings flew above and beyond me, I smell danger. The evening sun crashed below the clouds hiding itself as an invisible monster. It was windy; making my strands of blocks sheltered my face. I should have lied. It wasn’t my fault. But I insist its mine. I shouldn’t have. Shouldn’t. My senses had been blind. Out of sudden, you picture black, no light at all. This carries on for 10 minutes till I reached her house.
The familiar elevator, to the familiar walkway, to the familiar stair case, to the familiar gate, everything seems to be just happening yesterday, too familiar. Purple gate, a small rust on the end of the edges, with a sliver lock dangling right in the middle. A pale yellow slipper which she often wears is laying just 5 fingers away in front of me. It is soundless. I can hear my strident breathing sound prominently. It goes concurrently with my heart throbbing sound. Good stuffs always come in pairs. Bad stuffs seldom differ. The evil within me, just stationing right beside my heart, is hammering it so hard that I feel it is protruding out. It just goes harder and quicker, it just refuses to stopover. The faster it hammers; the rest of the workers will be pumping like hell. Everything relies on something. Teamwork is imperative. And here I am daydreaming in front of her door endeavoring to lift my hand up to the location where the doorbell is situated. 6.15pm acknowledged by my clock. I had been immovable on the same spot for 15 minutes and I am counting on how long I going to decay here till.
::missing in action personnel include: me, dad, david, pei pei, lili, and da yi's husband::
both pictures taken last night in "hai xiang" restaurant celebrating grandma birthday. Stupid me dun even know how old is she now, just hope that she will stay strong and happy for the rest of her life. Cheers... okie we ate about 23 or was it 24 types of dishes?
wonderful night
a night where we exchange our words
a night where we keep each other updated
a night where we left memories, this time is happy tears
Nothing about her was extraordinary.
Nothing about her made her stand out in a crowd.
She grew up in a family of six and being the eldest she learned responsibility at an early age. As she grew stronger and brighter, she instilled a sort of light and cheer to whom ever she met. She was not beautiful, but she made others feel better about themselves. She meets a rebel boy who thinks he is all man befriending him, she teaches him. She teaches him how to read and a little boost, the ' man' needed to go to college, They become fast friends and she fell fast in love with her rugged handsome student. The ' man' then finds himself in love with a girl, a girl who was so beautiful. Her hair was a hallow of light around her. Her eyes the bluest blue of the ocean.' Like an angel' he tells his tutor' like a beautiful angel.'
The girl swallows a lump at her throat. She was not beautiful. She did not posses the heart of the one heloved, but she did not care. As long as he was happy, she would behappy, or so she tried to. She helped write the most beautiful letters to his angel. All the time visioning it was she herself recieving those very letters.And so the girl helped him choose the right clothes, say the right words, and buy the right gifts for his angel. His angel brought him much joy and much pain to the girl who cried behind her smiles. But that never stopped her from giving more than she will ever receive.
Then one day, all of hell broke loose. The angel he loved left him for another man. A richer more successful man. The boy was stunned. He was so hurt, he did not speak for days. The girl went to him. He cried on her shoulder and she cried withhim.He was hurt and she was too.Time went by and so wounds healThe boy realizes something about hisfriend/tutor. Something he never realized before. How her laughter sounded heavenly and how her smiles brightened up the darkest days, or how simply beautiful she looked to him!Beautiful. This plain, simple girl was beautiful to him. And he began to fall.Fall so in love with this beautiful girl. On one day, he picked up all his courage to see her. He walked to her house, nervous, and fidgeting, Running his thoughts over and over his head.He was going to tell her how beautiful she was to him. He was going to tell her how wonderfully in love he was with her. He knocked. No one was home.The next day, he found out that the beautiful girl he fell in love with had a brain tumor that put her into a coma. The doctors were grim and the familydecided to let her go. One final time he got to see her. He held her hand. He stroked her hair and he cried for this beautifulgirl. He cried, but it was too late.The beautiful girl was buried and the heavens broke. Out a beautiful spring shower, a cry for their loss. She was the most beautiful girl in the world and she had taught the rebel boy-man to love and what it is to be loved. She was the most beautiful girl in the world.
Look around.
Isn't there a lot of plain faces? Take a good look. A real good look, or you might just miss out that beautiful person.
Forever.
I should know.... wouldn't I?
::end of course award presentation::
been awarded the best commander plate. abit shocked, hahaz
i just want to say a big thank you to all who attended the course, its such a joy to be with your in that short one month. we together leant alot as a team and hoped we had left beautiful memories in each of us, deep in our heart.
to fairy: thank you for all the encouraging and motivation, although u might say u din help much but u did alot at least to me. i fell and managed to pick myself up. those faces we shared late at night were relaxing, at least it helps to calm myself down out of the stressful period. thank you once again.
In a world of peace i do not live.
Things that i've seen u may not believe.
Attention u gave, im honoured to receive.
Exagerated though i perceive.
Sorry i am for my hostility.
Friends i hope we will remain to be....
name: nicholas tan
date of birth: 29 Apr 1983
interests:
designing
previous schools: Ngee Ann Polytechnic, Nan Hua Secondary,
loves: white, black, chocolates, ipod.
msn:
kenghee80@hotmail.com
friendster:
kh_80@yahoo.com
maple:
mistynic
habbo:
nikelas
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